I don’t want any pity. I just want somebody to get it.
I just want to be honest.
Some days I wake up with the birds chirping, the sun shining, and a slight breeze creeping in through my window. I open my eyes, take my first conscious breath, and prepare for the day ahead of me. I’ll hop in a hot shower. Put on a clean outfit. Brush my hair. Put on a little bit of makeup. And just do something.
Other days I just wake up. I wake up confused and disoriented. Sometimes with a pounding headache. I have a stuffy nose. A cough. It feels like I haven’t gotten a wink of sleep. I’ll lounge around in bed for a while. Drag my body into the shower. Wait hours to brush my hair. Put on the same outfit I wore the day before and crawl back into bed.
I’ve been having a lot of those “other days” lately. Maybe not the same scenario, but the mood stays constant.
I don’t know if what I’ve been feeling can be better described as ‘crippling sadness’ or just ‘emptiness’. Maybe a little bit of both. I guess it depends on the day.
I’ve contemplated writing about this. Writing this on the internet for anyone to see. But I think it’s important to share the dark stuff sometimes. Because I know somebody will be able to relate. I guess I hesitated because I don’t want anyone to think that I’m searching for attention. I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me. Because we all have shit that we’re dealing with. I don’t want anyone to brand me as ‘crazy’ or ‘unstable’. I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to tip-toe around me. Like I’m a ticking time bomb. I guess, more importantly, I don’t want anyone to be worried, sad, or concerned. I’m fine. In theory, I’m perfectly fine.
Lately I’ve just been feeling a lot at once and, at times, it gets too overwhelming. I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t know who I am anymore. I wonder if I’m still Emilee, or if I’m simply just a shell of who I used to be.
I don’t feel as if I am enjoying anything anymore. I know that there is so much excitement around me. I see it! But it’s like I’m no longer participating. I’m watching everybody else enjoy the things I used to love. Concerts. Reading. Bike riding. Social gatherings. I’m going. I’m involved. But my mind never stops moving. It feels like the world around me is spinning, and I’m not sure where to turn next. I had dreams and goals, but now all I really hope is to die young and that Hell isn’t real because that’s probably where I’d go.
I’m always on the verge of tears. Anytime anyone asks me about how I’m doing, or school, my family, or just life in general, I always feel like I’m about to cry. And more often than not, I do! I cry in public! Like Kim Kardashian ugly-cry. Which is literally my least favorite thing to do ever. It’s embarrassing. But I really can’t help it anymore, and everyone is starting to see how big of a train wreck I truly am.
And I think that’s the worst part about all of this. Showing everybody those raw emotions. Being that vulnerable. Writing about it is different. At least it feels different. Because I can give an explanation of what’s going on. Like look dude, I’m not crying because you asked me how my day was. It was probably a pretty uneventful day. I’m crying because I literally just don’t have a grip on life right now.
But you can’t just say that. Because then they’ll ask questions. You’ll unload all of your baggage. They’ll think you’re a wackadoodle. And then boom. You’re a burden. You gave them more information than they wanted. They’re uncomfortable. You’re uncomfortable.
Sounds ridiculous, right?
Most people are pretty understanding. And typically have no problem leading a listening ear. And I know that if someone came up to me with these feelings, I’d get it. I’d be understanding. So why is it that sharing emotions that are anything less than happy makes me feel like I’m driving everybody up a wall? Why do I feel like it will push everyone away?
I know it’s not normal to feel like this. I know I should probably do something about it. See a professional, probably. But I wouldn’t even know where to start.
“What seems to be the problem, Emilee?”
Do I respond with “I literally don’t even know” or “absolutely everything”?
Sometimes I wish I could check myself into a mental facility, slap a band-aid on my brain, and be good to go. If only it worked that way…
As dumb as it sounds, all I want anymore is to have a good day. A day where I can get out of bed, be productive, do something enjoyable, and maybe not cry all day? Like shit dude, I’ve been crying since I woke up, and I’m crying right now.
I know this is all stuff that I need to either get over or work on. I’m just tired. My life has been falling apart for a while, and I wish it would just completely fall apart already. I wish I could just hit rock bottom, so I could have a place to start climbing back up.
I guess that’s all I have for now. I’m gonna hop in the shower, slap some makeup on, and tell myself that today’s going to be a good day. And if it’s not, maybe tomorrow will be. And if that’s not, I’ll say it again and again. Because maybe if I keep saying it, it will one day be true.
I didn’t write this to get sympathy. I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me or to tell me it’s going to be okay. I know it’s gonna get better eventually. I do. It’s just something I’ve been going through and I wanted to share. Because I know someone somewhere is probably going through something similar.
I don’t know how to make it better. So all I can say is that we are not alone in this struggle. We are not victims. We are not lost causes. And we are not to be pitied.